First, I would like to say a happy Black Friday (because consumerism). But you know what I’ve been doing this whole day? (hint: not shopping).
Studying. Yes, fucking studying this whole day.
And you know what? I’m just so tired. I can’t get anything done.
It’s as if I’ve just been in a pit of tar and I am immobilized. I can’t do anything. I can’t think. I don’t do anything.
I’m so tired of it.
I’ve been busy. Of course I’ve been busy. All State next Saturday, a math test next Thursday, history projects I haven’t started next Friday, a history essay due on Monday and a reading for English done on Monday as well.
This Thanksgiving break has been nothing but me with my ass on a chair in front of a glowing computer screen.
I’m so angry. I can’t take any breaks. I’m too busy working and catching up. I’m so behind.
I can’t deal with it anymore. I feel like in these moments, all of my fears come out.
Ben still liking me. And me not liking him back.
Me still liking Vivaldi, even though we don’t talk anymore. And he’s a douche. And he probably likes my friend. And so much more that I don’t want to talk about.
My weight. My sleeping patterns. My physical health overall. My mental health.
It feels like I’m going insane.
I feel so unproductive. And I feel like writing is my outlet even though I’m actually just taking up time that I can use to write my essay for history. Oh well. At least it helped me.
I usually take these times to self-reflect on my growth, but I feel like I didn’t grow at all. I feel like a fucking potato.
Nothing just seems right. I feel like I’m not even living my life and just seeing it through the eyes of someone else.
I don’t want to go outside. I don’t even want to eat. I’m not even hungry. Part of it is the worries of me gaining weight this break. How much I hate food sometimes. Social events are the worst. I feel like they just deter me from what I actually need to do.